Right Turn Clyde
Volume 1 Issue 9 - The Girls Are Not That Pretty But We Don't Care
Your Monthly Dose Of Cynicism

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We Watch Bad Movies So You Don't Have To

Mr. Pants meets Patrick Dempsey in a dark alley and one of them ain't walking out.

Run is the best Patrick Dempsey movie ever made. Yes, those of you who were held spellbound in Mobsters, split your sides laughing at Loverboy, and swear that his role of "The Plant" the in captivating and charming "Super plant' episode of The Super Mario Brothers Super Show! (yes the one starring "Captain" Lou Albano), will forever now call Run the BEST PATRICK DEMPSEY MOVE EVER MADE!

Then again, that's like saying Bio-Dome was the best Pauly Shore movie ever. It might be better than all of the other crap, but it's still crap.

And for those of you who had a biological aversion to Pat, then you, too, might take pleasure out of the movie by seeing Pat do quite a bit of his own stunts on a skill level somewhere between Jackie Chan in Project A and Whitney Houston in The Bodyguard. While he seemingly was not harmed in any severe way, you will still be able to take pleasure in seeing himself hurtle himself into immovable objects. And for those of you who can't get your fill of movie plots revolving around a string of coincidences, neighbors complain of a "strange odor" eminating from your house and call the police who will arrive at your residence and discover your lifeless corpse mired in a pool of your own drool: Stuck-up, rich boy, cocky, lawyer-to-be happens to beat a hothead at poker at an underground casino with no security and happens to get blamed for said hothead's accidental death when the hothead happens to trip and konk his head on a marble counter and Pat just happens to get blamed for his death (despite the fact that there were roughly 200 witnesses). [DEEP BREATH] The hothead happens to be the son of the mob boss (of this unnamed small-town that's big enough to have a mob) who happens to (unbeknownst to our hero) pay-off and/or threaten the police and when the kid happens to attempt to call the police while there happens to be an impatient guy waiting to use the phone who when he does use the phone some mob guys roll up and by an amazing stroke of luck for our dear pal Pat, the mobsters happen to think that the impatient guy in the phone booth is the guy who supposedly killed the hothead (I suppose out of all those witnesses, no one got a good look at him). Well, the corrupt cops on the force just happen to accidentally kill another cop while trying to hunt down Pat and they happen to decide to peg Pat for the crime although there happens to be one cop who has a gut feeling that this weaselly looking college boy with no priors might have, get this, NOT REALLY MURDERED THE HOTHEAD! And I'm only at the end of the first act! Let me spare you the surprise and tell you....the the rest of the movie only gets better! The rest of this wild and wooly goose chase may cause euphoric reactions in some of you.

And for those you you who are aspiring writers, check out this riveting dialogue: "Are you alright?" "I don't know. I've never been shot?" Will someone please break into Callie Khouri's house and steal the Oscar rightfully belongs to Dennis Shryack and Michael Blodgett.

And for those of you who couldn't actually pay money to see Outbreak just so you can live out some perverted fantasy of seeing Pat Dempsey die of the ebola virus because it meant you had to sit through the 30 minutes before his death I leave you with this: They only things that aren't predictable in Run are things that are coincidental...and even they are pretty much predictable. I mean, c'mon! Of course the police chief who suddenly believes Pat may be innocent gets in a car wreck and dies.

And for those of you who have got the hots for Kelly Preston....two words: no nudity.


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