Leprechaun 5: In The Hood
A Half-Written Review Of A Half-Watched Movie
00:00 The movie starts with stock footage of the leprechaun
reciting a lame poem. Not even a limerick. So I make up my own...
There once was a boy who would pay
To see Leprechaun 5 in his house one day
You knew that he would
Hope it was so bad it was good
But he could hear his three bucks flushing away.
01:00 Irish music cue gives way to wack-ass beats.
Straight outta Casio.
03:00 Ice-T appears sporting an afro twice the size
of that kid from Pepperdine. The movie is supposed to take place
in the '70's. Props for 99 cents to the rescue.
03:20 Product placement of Colt 54 malt liquor. I
don't know what cringes more-my liver or my funny bone.
03:46 Ice-T, upon discovering the leprechaun's pot
of gold, utters the Eszterhas-worthy line, "MIDGET MIDAS MOTHERFUCKER".
05:23 Death by afro pic. Watching midgets stalk people
is scarier than you might think.
05:57 The leprechaun is the first film villain to
quote Martin Luther King before dishing out some more tiny violence.
06:26 Ice-T pulls a baseball bat out of his Afro.
The leprechaun's incessant rhyming reminds me of why there are no
07:34 Ice-T captures the leprechaun, entitling him
to the leprechaun's gold. I hope he uses it to improve the quality
of his life. Oh wait, Ice-T just laid out his plan to buy all the
bitches in the world. Whew.
08:15 Introduction of second story line. Band auditions
for chance to go to the prestigious Las Vegas Hip Hop Competition.
09:22 Safe sex message introduced when virgin rap
member gets chided for "not knowing shit about pussy".
11:45 Filmmakers tire of offending blacks. Introduce
stereotypical Chinese shopowner who spokes broken english and does
funny dances to prove he's down.
12:48 Ice-T returns years later as the incarnation
of Mack Daddy Onassis. Onassis=OWN ASSES. Brilliant.
16:49 Rappers decide to steal Leprecaun's gold in
order to make it to Vegas.
19:47 Rappers' commit awkward botched home invasion.
You know a movie is bad when you find yourself praying for a cameo
by either Kid or Play.
21:00 Oh, shit. The midget is still alive. And he
makes a rhyme about Tiger Woods to boot. I now pray for the rappers
to kill either the leprechaun or, by some mystical breaking of the
fourth wall, me.
23:00 All great movie characters get a scene where
they give themselves a pep speech in a mirror. Somebody notify the
HOLLYWOOD FOREIGN PRESS. Ice-T just got his.
23:43 Ice-T reads my mind. And smokes a joint with
24:44 The leprechaun then rips off Ice-T's gold ring
and his finger. Then makes the pun, "GOLDFINGER!" I think Ice-T
may have a case for cruel AND unusual punishment. Who am I kidding?
I believe that anybody that rents this movie has a case for cruel
AND unusual ounishment.
31:30 Pawnshop owner meets long lost love. And she
32:24 Long lost love turns out to be killing machine
created by leprechaun. NOT SEXY! NOT SEXY!
I'll come clean with you. This is where I either tuned
out or blacked out-you choose. Maybe it's for the best. I've given
you a good idea of how the rest of the movie unfolds with out ruining
the ending. Everybody hates that.