Right Turn Clyde
Volume 1 Issue 9 - The Girls Are Not That Pretty But We Don't Care
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Leprechaun 5: In The Hood
A Half-Written Review Of A Half-Watched Movie

00:00 The movie starts with stock footage of the leprechaun reciting a lame poem. Not even a limerick. So I make up my own...

There once was a boy who would pay
To see Leprechaun 5 in his house one day
You knew that he would
Hope it was so bad it was good
But he could hear his three bucks flushing away.

01:00 Irish music cue gives way to wack-ass beats. Straight outta Casio.

03:00 Ice-T appears sporting an afro twice the size of that kid from Pepperdine. The movie is supposed to take place in the '70's. Props for 99 cents to the rescue.

03:20 Product placement of Colt 54 malt liquor. I don't know what cringes more-my liver or my funny bone.

03:46 Ice-T, upon discovering the leprechaun's pot of gold, utters the Eszterhas-worthy line, "MIDGET MIDAS MOTHERFUCKER".

05:23 Death by afro pic. Watching midgets stalk people is scarier than you might think.

05:57 The leprechaun is the first film villain to quote Martin Luther King before dishing out some more tiny violence.

06:26 Ice-T pulls a baseball bat out of his Afro. The leprechaun's incessant rhyming reminds me of why there are no Irish rappers.

07:34 Ice-T captures the leprechaun, entitling him to the leprechaun's gold. I hope he uses it to improve the quality of his life. Oh wait, Ice-T just laid out his plan to buy all the bitches in the world. Whew.

08:15 Introduction of second story line. Band auditions for chance to go to the prestigious Las Vegas Hip Hop Competition.

09:22 Safe sex message introduced when virgin rap member gets chided for "not knowing shit about pussy".

11:45 Filmmakers tire of offending blacks. Introduce stereotypical Chinese shopowner who spokes broken english and does funny dances to prove he's down.

12:48 Ice-T returns years later as the incarnation of Mack Daddy Onassis. Onassis=OWN ASSES. Brilliant.

16:49 Rappers decide to steal Leprecaun's gold in order to make it to Vegas.

19:47 Rappers' commit awkward botched home invasion. You know a movie is bad when you find yourself praying for a cameo by either Kid or Play.

21:00 Oh, shit. The midget is still alive. And he makes a rhyme about Tiger Woods to boot. I now pray for the rappers to kill either the leprechaun or, by some mystical breaking of the fourth wall, me.

23:00 All great movie characters get a scene where they give themselves a pep speech in a mirror. Somebody notify the HOLLYWOOD FOREIGN PRESS. Ice-T just got his.

23:43 Ice-T reads my mind. And smokes a joint with the leprechaun.

24:44 The leprechaun then rips off Ice-T's gold ring and his finger. Then makes the pun, "GOLDFINGER!" I think Ice-T may have a case for cruel AND unusual punishment. Who am I kidding? I believe that anybody that rents this movie has a case for cruel AND unusual ounishment.

31:30 Pawnshop owner meets long lost love. And she is sexy.

32:24 Long lost love turns out to be killing machine created by leprechaun. NOT SEXY! NOT SEXY!

I'll come clean with you. This is where I either tuned out or blacked out-you choose. Maybe it's for the best. I've given you a good idea of how the rest of the movie unfolds with out ruining the ending. Everybody hates that.


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