We Watch Bad Movies So You Don't
It's probably not a healthy critical state of mind
to go into a movie wondering what made it so successful. But, after
Double Jeopardy(D.J.) took the top spot at the box office for nearly
a month, I had to see how low we as a society of tastemakers have
MOVIES THAT I THOUGHT OF WHILE WATCHING DOUBLE JEOPARDY:Jagged
Edge, Sleeping With The Enemy, Dead Calm, Suspect, The Fugitive.
MOVIES THAT I NEVER THOUGHT OF WHILE WATCHING DOUBLE
JEOPARDY: Double Indemnity.
# OF TECH AWARDS D.J. WON AT THE 2000 OSCARS: Zero.
# OF TECH AWARDS D.J. WOULD WIN IF THERE WAS A TIME
PORTAL BACK TO THE "MURDER, SHE WROTE" PRODUCTION OFFICES ON CHRISTMAS
EVE AND EVERYONE WAS CHUGGING EGG NOG, SMOKING POT IN THE SUPPLY
CLOSET AND GIVING OUT PHONY AWARDS TO EACH OTHER: One.
INCENTIVE TO SIT THROUGH THE FIRST REEL IF YOU'RE
A PERVERT:Ashley Judd is naked at the 6 minute mark.
INCENTIVE TO SIT THROUGH THE SECOND REEL IF YOU'RE
A MASOCHIST: Ashley's young son, Matty, sings "the A-B-C song".
In its' entirety.
SURE-FIRE FASHION TREND:Attention, Gap marketers!
Prison Blues are on their way IN.
LEAST FAVORITE STOCK CHARACTER IN D.J.: The cocky
prosecuting attorney who uses sarcasm as her trump card.
# OF COINCIDENCES IN STORY THAT WOULD TOPPLE THE FLIMSY
HOUSE-OF-TOOTHPICKS PLOT IF ANY ONE OF THEM HAD NOT HAPPENED. Six.
SIGN THAT THE CASTING DIRECTOR HAD SOME PERSONAL ISSUES
AND HADN'T BEEN TO WORK IN WEEKS: Tommy Lee Jones as the stubborn,
hard- nosed prick.
AND FINALLY, IF I AM EVER ASKED TO GIVE A SPEECH AT
TOMMY LEE JONES' FUNERAL, I WILL DO MY DAMNEDEST TO WORK THIS LINE
FROM D.J. INTO MY EULOGY: Tommy:(as he handcuffs Ashley to a car)
"Don't go anywhere." -MNKE.