Fief's Casting Couch

An extremely well-kept secret is that we at Right Turn Clyde secretly run Hollywood. The movers don't move and the shakers don't even quiver unless we say so. We've got our fingers in so many Motion Picture Pies that we could call this 'zine Right Turn Wetnap and get away with it. Now, we don't claim responsibility for every film. Sometimes, we have to let others play with the big kids and sometimes, we get a Pauly Shore movie out of the deal. (Although we will admit that Encino Man was our idea, just to see Robin Tunney on-screen again. MEEEOOWW!) With the recent infestation of Hollywood by a NEW, YOUNGER HOLLYWOOD, the time is now upon us to open our doors to casting directors and fill them in on who's most appropriate for two of next year's noteworthy films, JONATHAN DEMME'S remake of STANLEY DONEN'S CHARADE and the big screen adaptation of the ADVENTURES OF HARRY POTTER. We turned the casting reins over to frequent RTC contributor and part-time amateur psychic, Fief, because no one's better at putting people in their place than he is.

Fantasy Casting Suggestions from Fief, C.S.A. (assuming an American rather than British cast, except even if British there's a few that could carry over):

Haley Joel Osment as Harry Potter (the Malcolm in the Middle kid would be my second choice).
Kieran Culkin (yes, MacCaulay's brother) as Ron Weasley (recently saw him in Cider House Rules) (McCauley could actually play Percy Weasley his older brother.).
Hermione Granger would have to be played by a new name to the scene -- that Pepsi advertisement chick is just too young and I want to beat her up.
Julianne Moore as Professor McGonegell (Teri Garr could do in a pinch)
Stephen Rea as Professor Snape
Ed Begley Jr. as Mr. Dursley
Patrick Stewart as Headmaster Dumbledoore

Charade? Holy God why would anybody want to remake that movie? That's one of the best movies I've ever seen, and believe me when I tell you, Will Smith has no business being in Paris, or will they be rewriting it to fit into South Phillie?

The anger subsiding, the breathing now becoming of normal rhythm, I can address the casting issues herein.

So we have Audrey Hepburn, Cary Grant and Walter Matthau's successors of which to concern ourselves. Also, I know that Will Smith has signed on to the film. But I don't know what character he's slated to play. That said, here is my casting for Charade 2001: A Parisian Odyssey, directed by Jonathan Demme (whose directorial history of film adaptations includes Beloved, let me remind you).

Audrey Hepburn: Angela Bassett

Cary Grant: Sidney Poitier (he's still alive, right?)

Walter Matthau: Chef from South Park

Hepburn's friend who goes skiing with her in the beginning, and translates with her at the Embassy or UN or what have you: The Rev. Della Reese.

Hepburn's friend's annoying, stamp-collecting, water-gun squirting son Philipe: Will Smith.

The other guys in the hotel, who think they're going to find the dead guys treasure but instead just get killed: It doesn't matter because only 8 people will go see it, including Demme, Reese, Poitier, Bassett, Smith and Isaac Hayes.