Fief's Casting Couch
An extremely well-kept secret is that we at Right
Turn Clyde secretly run Hollywood. The movers don't move and the
shakers don't even quiver unless we say so. We've got our fingers
in so many Motion Picture Pies that we could call this 'zine Right
Turn Wetnap and get away with it. Now, we don't claim responsibility
for every film. Sometimes, we have to let others play with the big
kids and sometimes, we get a Pauly Shore movie out of the deal.
(Although we will admit that Encino Man was our idea, just to see
Robin Tunney on-screen again. MEEEOOWW!) With the recent infestation
of Hollywood by a NEW, YOUNGER HOLLYWOOD, the time is now upon us
to open our doors to casting directors and fill them in on who's
most appropriate for two of next year's noteworthy films, JONATHAN
DEMME'S remake of STANLEY DONEN'S CHARADE and the big screen adaptation
of the ADVENTURES OF HARRY POTTER. We turned the casting reins over
to frequent RTC contributor and part-time amateur psychic, Fief,
because no one's better at putting people in their place than he
Fantasy Casting Suggestions from Fief, C.S.A. (assuming
an American rather than British cast, except even if British there's
a few that could carry over):
Haley Joel Osment as Harry Potter (the Malcolm in
the Middle kid would be my second choice).
Kieran Culkin (yes, MacCaulay's brother) as Ron Weasley (recently
saw him in Cider House Rules) (McCauley could actually play Percy
Weasley his older brother.).
Hermione Granger would have to be played by a new name to the scene
-- that Pepsi advertisement chick is just too young and I want to
beat her up.
Julianne Moore as Professor McGonegell (Teri Garr could do in a
Stephen Rea as Professor Snape
Ed Begley Jr. as Mr. Dursley
Patrick Stewart as Headmaster Dumbledoore
Charade? Holy God why would anybody want to remake
that movie? That's one of the best movies I've ever seen, and believe
me when I tell you, Will Smith has no business being in Paris, or
will they be rewriting it to fit into South Phillie?
The anger subsiding, the breathing now becoming of
normal rhythm, I can address the casting issues herein.
So we have Audrey Hepburn, Cary Grant and Walter Matthau's
successors of which to concern ourselves. Also, I know that Will
Smith has signed on to the film. But I don't know what character
he's slated to play. That said, here is my casting for Charade 2001:
A Parisian Odyssey, directed by Jonathan Demme (whose directorial
history of film adaptations includes Beloved, let me remind you).
Audrey Hepburn: Angela Bassett
Cary Grant: Sidney Poitier (he's still alive, right?)
Walter Matthau: Chef from South Park
Hepburn's friend who goes skiing with her in the beginning,
and translates with her at the Embassy or UN or what have you: The
Rev. Della Reese.
Hepburn's friend's annoying, stamp-collecting, water-gun
squirting son Philipe: Will Smith.
The other guys in the hotel, who think they're going
to find the dead guys treasure but instead just get killed: It doesn't
matter because only 8 people will go see it, including Demme, Reese,
Poitier, Bassett, Smith and Isaac Hayes.