Deep Six: Movies That Are Smarter Than Us
An Explanation Of The Inexplicable
By Sauce Tarte
Just because a movie appears to be utter crap does not mean that
it is. In fact, it's been proven (in some states) that the degree
to which a movie bores you silly is directly, inversely related
to the degree to which its director is a genius. The following movies
are too easy to kick, as they are already lying at our feet whimpering.
Instead of handing out the "Swift Boot to the Head" awards, I would
like to argue that these movies are simply misunderstood because
of their superior intellect and daring propositions.
1. Eyes Wide Shut. The name itself implies the complex ironies
to be found throughout this fascinating study of Nicole Kidman's
and Tom Cruise's sexy, ripple-chested marriage. I have always thought
this to be an under exploited topic so I was glad to finally see
it make the big screen. Although, I must admit, I was a little disappointed
when the most pressing questions were never answered: (i) Is Tom
Cruise gay and his marriage to Nicole Kidman just an elaborate ruse
to fool the public? and (ii) What the fuck is up with their involvement
with Scientology? Freaks! Eyes Wide Shut was ground- breaking in
andamong other things, its gratuitous use of female nudity. One
would assume that Stanley Kubrick just wasn't seeing enough at home
after all of his subscriptions ran out. However, on closer evaluation,
the finely choreographed hump-action throughout the orgy scene (despite
the censorship) is truly brilliant. (I had to watch it eleven times
to be sure).
2. Happiness. "The world is a big, dumb, poopy place!" You don't
have to be a genius to say that, but it sure helps. A more mediocre
director would have assumed that an audience wouldn't like to watch
people that they despise for over two hours. Aux contraire!
3. Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace. Just because you don't
understand Jar-Jar Binks doesn't mean that he doesn't understand
you. Jar-Jar is the mirror to your soul and you're just afraid of
4. The Last Days of Disco. Two hours of contrived intellectual
chit-chat about not being able to disco dance anymore? This is truly
a Saturday Night Fever for the MENSA set. "Is this necessary?" you
ask. You're not a member of MENSA! You don't know!
5. Romance. This is Eyes Wide Shut for girls. Twice the beaver
shots; half the genius! (Remember: if a movie makes you uncomfortable,
something is probably wrong with you.)
6. Wild, Wild, West. Kevin Cline and Will Smith; Together at last.
It took an incredibly innovative entrepreneur to pair these two.
It only makes no sense if you lack the imagination to make that
Keep on taking those vitamins and doing that homework and someday
it will all make sense!