Right Turn Clyde
Volume 1 Issue 7 - In One Year And Out The Other

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Interview With A Serial Killer

By Sauce Tarte

The other day, I was in a salad bar line (okay, insert your damn wisecracks here) when the strangest man that humanity could muster and launch right at me, began his hyper-active barrage of questioning and commentary:

"Why don't you put green onions in your salad? Don't you like green onions? I'll show you how to make a salad! A crazy salad! I'm so wound up right now! You wouldn't believe it! I've been up all night. Three nights now! No sleep! Where are you from? You're shy aren't you? No? Just Quiet? Don't want to talk! I understand! Can you guess what I do for a living? No? Well I'm not going to tell you! I certainly won't tell you! Oh! You like carrots? Good girl! It's either a hot dog or a salad! You know what I mean? Hot dog or salad! Right! What's that grunting noise you make? ' NNNGGGHH!' Why do you say that? 'NNNGGGHH!' What does that mean? You don't want to talk to me? Do you like beets? Beets are good for you. Broccoli? You like Broccoli? That's good for you too. No you aren't supposed to answer! You're supposed to say, 'NNNGGGHH!' Remember! NNNGGGHH!"

Needless to say, I got the hell out of there but it left me thinking; thinking that when one is a serial killer, one must select a victim. Every serial killer has a "type". How do they find someone to fit the bill? There must be an arduous selection process that every mass murderer must go through to fill their vacancy. This man was screaming, "NOW HIRING" and I was in prime position for having this job.

That got me thinking further that this selection process had been shown in certain cinematic ventures and even done well in some of them. The following Classifieds game is one that you can play in the privacy of your own home to see if you are a candidate for murder.

The Ad The Film
Enterprising clothing designer seeking large white females with soft skin to help make a new dress.
Extremely savvy businessman looking for the nearest person to help satisfy my adventurous palette.
Filmmaker searching for aspiring young actresses to be part of documentary project. No experience necessary.
Shipping yard worker looking for date with any interested female. Serious only need apply.
Chemistry professor needs trusting people to co-pilot my silly little car.
Fat? Lazy? Drug Habit? Vain? Lustful? Thieving? Murderous? Any other bad habits?
Loving couple seeking to permanently adopt anyone who pisses us off.

Film buffs looking for a few good people to help act out the cliched behavior that we find annoying in horror flicks.

Quiet young taxidermist looking for the kind of girl (Slut!) that I can introduce to my mother.
Loving mother needs part-time help stomping out naughty behavior.
Handicapped equestrian in search of someone with a good head on their shoulders.
Vaudeville-style performer with strong circus influences looking for human canvas to try out my paint on.
Temperamental bookworm seeking someone to help me update old text.
Independent self-starter seeking brief relationship. Loves to be near kids. Owns own luggage.
Civic-minded individual seeking like-minded people to stop neighbor- hood dogs from barking/growling/persuading to kill.
Love in an Elevator? If the smell of window cleaner lifts your soul to new heights, then you're for me. Must also enjoy Merv Griffin.



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