Right Turn Clyde
Volume 1 Issue 7 - In One Year And Out The Other

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About RTC
Spanking The Monkey

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Dear Chow
An Open Letter To Chow-Yun Fat

Dear Chow,

Take a trip with us down Bad Ass Memory Lane. Our fathers had Clint Eastwood and Lee Marvin. Our grandfathers had John Wayne and Jack Palance. Until 1989, we had noone. Then The Killer came out and you and John Woo found a way to make an entire generation of attention deficit-challenged youth sit still through what is essentially a musical with carnage. To this day, it's hard for us to even watch you do interviews because we expect you to do everything in slow-motion.

Then you came to Hollywood and did The Replacement Corruptors and you know what we hate? The nerve of theatre owners to run commercials for newspapers, soft drinks, and websites before the movie. You know what we hate even more? When you can't tell the difference between the commercials and the movie.

Now, thanks to Yul Brynner's unavailability, you're starring in The King & I with Jodie "Good Luck Doing Hannibal Without Me" Foster. Your people will tell you this is a good career move. This will prevent you from being sterotyped as the Man With The Golden Guns. Stop. Do you think that Lee Van Cleef worried about being pigeonholed as a bad guy? Hell, no. Because when you're the best, you've got other things to dwell upon. Like inventing new ways to dive through windows while shooting with two guns. In slow-motion.

Don't get caught up in the whole infotainment buzz about you being the next overseas sensation. If you have any questions, just ask Sammo Hung. Yes, thanks to CBS' "Martial Law", millions of people know who he is now. That doesn't change the fact that he has to work with Arsenio every day.

Finally, there's talk that your role in The King & Clarice may nab you an Oscar nomination. Allow us to confide in you-the only thing that winning an Oscar gets you is a statue, a hangover, and a picture of Harvey Weinstein kissing you on the next morning's front page. It does not guarantee you a career. Don't take it from us. Just call Amistad's Oscar nominee, Djimon Hounsou to clear things up for you. Believe us, he's available for that call.

You have the opportunity to be THE MAN.
The door is cracked open for you.
Kick it in.

In slow-motion.

Your pal,


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