Wilt Chamberlin: Second Stringer?
An RTC Attempt At An Obituary
(Editor's Note: We thought that it might be fun to get an opinion
of Wilt from someone who didn't know anything about sports. Little
did we realize that Shorty wouldn't even be able to spell his name
The world was greatly saddened by the passing of Wilt Chamberlin,
and for some reason the rest of the RTC office felt it would be
a good idea to stick me with the task of coming up with a memorial.
Considering that the extent of my sporting knowledge means that
I can occasionally point out the correct equipment to use with each
game, I knew that I was going to have to find another angle. And
what better of an angle for a film zine to take than the second
of the Hyperborean epics, Conan the Destroyer.
Even though Wilt Chamberlin plays second stringer to Arnold Schwarzenegger,
he still gets to bodyguard the lovely pre-"Wonder Years" Olivia
d'Abo. Now Wilt might not have any of the credibility of James Earl
Jones; nor did he voice Darth Vader. And he certainly never appeared
in a Stanley Kubrick film. Come to think of it, he doesn't even
get to turn into a giant snake in his sole feature film appearance.
But damn if he doesn't get to kick some major butt including Schwarzenegger's
with a really cool mace. (A mace is a large iron club for those
of you who spent your junior high years in the mall instead of playing
with funny dice.)
Sure, I can't tell you what teams Wilt played for, or to how many
championships he took them. But I miss him just the same, if only
for adding a little brightness to the world of cult movies for bringing
his character Bombaata to life along the lines of tried-and-true
B-movie greats like Tracey "John Wayne was a fag" Walter and Grace
"Can you believe I'm still making movies" Jones.