Many filmmakers spend their whole lives striving to make their Citizen Kane. Alas, many filmmakers never achieve that level of perfection. Please note that I used the word "many". There are those who do reach that plateau of near-film perfection. And it is our job here at the home office of Right Turn Clyde to honor those who not just swing for the fence but hit it out of the stadium. Writer. Director. Animator. Auteur... Genius...

I Want My Two Dollars!
Dr. Pants' Guide To Better Living Through The Films of "Savage" Steve Holland

You know what movie that line is from, it's okay to admit it. And I know that you're also thinking about a hamburger dancing to Van Halen's "Everybody Wants Some" (minus the "conversation" between Diamond Dave and the control booth) which segues perfectly into said hamburger playing a mini-replica of Eddie's guitar circa 1984 and ultimately, this leads to same said hamburger to "score" with what we are led to believe to be a female hamburger. Yes, "Savage" Steve Holland has left us with a legacy of fond memories with his Trifecta of Comedy: Better Off Dead, One Crazy Summer, and How I Got Into College.

Well, okay, you probably missed the last film, and for good reason...it's awful, and with probable cause..."Savage" didn't write it. John Cusack is replaced by Corey "Where Am I Now" Parker. Characters break the 4th wall. No signature "Savage" animation. The Buddy Yell is done 6 times in under one minute. And the sure-fire kiss of death in three words: Starring Charles Rocket. Not that the movie doesn't have its moments. They are not necessarily funny, but surprising nevertheless. Curtis Armstrong as the recruiting preacher? (Amusing) Tom Kenny featured as a character in a mathematical word problem? (Creative) But what in the hell is Philip Baker Hall doing in this movie? (As random as Jerry Orbach starring in the Anthony Michael Hall actionomedy, A Gnome Named Norm.)

In a nutshell, not even the help of 2 editors (Ed. Note: TWO!?!), yes, 2 editors can save this film. In fact, it should no longer be in the pantheon with Better Off Dead and One Crazy Summer. From now on, there will no longer be "Savage Steve" Holland's Trifecta of Comedy, but rather, "Savage" Steve Holland's Quinella of Comedy.

When "Savage" sat down to make his two masterpieces, he started with the blueprint for 80's teen movie success. John Cusack in his doughy years and fill him with more teen angst and self-doubt than you can shake a stick at, not this crap like today where you put kids with pretty faces and problems like a mass murderer running amok with some gimmicky way of killing them. No, "Savage" spoke to real American teens. Perhaps in your recent jaded, cynical years, you have forgotten the true essence of life. You have lost that joie di vivre. Well, mister, go rent Better Off Dead and One Crazy Summer to remind yourself what life is all about.

The goals in life for young American males are fairly simple:

[1] to have a girlfriend,

[2] to beat the pretty boy jock in some sort of competition in which you are the overwhelming underdog, and

[3] to draw wacky cartoons as a way to express your anxieties dealing with the former two goals.

Make sure that you have an assortment of nutty friends. Take a look at your current friends. They aren't wacky. Are any of them deliberately acting like a jackass just to get a laugh and/or to piss people off? Are any of them obsessed with drugs that they would be willing to snort Red Flavor Jello© brand gelatin? Are any of them some insanely moronic that you have to love them for their purity of heart? Do any of them talk with such a forced speech impediment that it is annoying after five minutes? Do any of them make it an odd habit of being buried in the sand up to their neck only to have an amazingly obese person sit on a chair over their head while said obscenely obese person eats a 10 pound can of baked beans? Of course not. Dump your current friends and seek out new ones modeled after Cusack's posse.

Get yourselves involved in a personal project to better yourself. Teach yourself to ski better or to fix that car that has been cluttering your dad's yard for the past 7 months or build a makeshift racing boat in a matter of hours or help the girl you pine for promote her upcoming "rock" show in which an entire town will decide that they have to play a hefty cover to see an act that they have never heard and will dance and applaud like lunatics for every song. While you're at it, make sure that you have cheesy 80's music that's heavy on the keyboards to accompany you while you perform these assorted tasks. In fact, try to crank as much synthesizer pop as loud as you can as often as you can. In fact, go out and buy an E.G. Daily album right now, you loved that "Two of Hearts" song back in the 80's; now you have an excuse to go out and buy it.

Make Curtis Armstrong one of your close personal friends. It can either be a wimpy warrior who has a heart of gold Curtis. Or it can be the jello-snorting, snowflake-snorting, fetus-carrying, laughing maniacally Curtis. Either way, he will be your savior and your confidante.

Maintain a sense of wacky, nutty humor in your environment. Fill your life full of sight gags... well, just a few gags and beat them mercilessly into the ground. In the two movies, Savage heaps up a Hungry Man serving of gags. Drag races, $2, failed suicides, other guys/cartoon characters asking out the old girlfriend, Mom's cooking, group yells, solo yell, implied flatulence, and gratuitous explosions account for 33 jokes in toto for the two films (only the group yells found their way into ""How I Got into College", which may or may not explain the reason why it was not funny).

Stay the hell away from any good-looking girl. They are all surface and no substance. Besides, they go for the jocky, superficial guys with names like Stalin. Instead, go for the women that are kind-hearted and appreciate you for who you are deep inside. Go for the women that want to excel personally and have exquisite skills, like music or fixing cars, that they want to share with you and the world. Sure, they may have their faults like being French or being Demi Moore, but not everyone in this world is perfect, rather, they are perfect for you. And if you're female, just stalk John Cusack. (If you read this 'zine by choice then you are probably doing that already anyway.)

Seek redemption in your life. For everything that you have done wrong up to this point, you have a chance to make up for it. And what better way to find redemption than to race your arch-enemy in a competition so overwhelmingly lop-sided in your nemisis' favor that you look like Stephen Hawking in a footrace against Michael Johnson. You may encounter several random acts of deliberate and unintentional sabotage, it doesn't matter for you will prevail in the end. Perhaps you will win with expert planning and good timing, but actually, a power more mighty than Force Majeure will be conjured and that is called suspension of disbelief.

Finally, buy yourself a tiny little teddy bear. While Taylor "Milo" Negron may be in 2 of the unofficial 3 "Savage" Steve Holland films, the same little bear that Lane was going to give Beth for X-Mas makes an appearance in all three.

People spend years and thousands of dollars on therapy to make themselves happy. People make pilgrimages to sages living in moutaintops to learn the secret of Life. People agonize in seeking out their soul mate. These are all fruitless. Dr. Pants has the prescription to make your life infinitely better, and no, it does not include a fifth of scotch, some Vicodan, and 2 Ukranian hookers. Go rent Better Off Dead and One Crazy Summer and learn what message that "Savage" Steve has wrought.