Right Turn Clyde
Volume 1 Issue 4 - Take A Picture Here, Take A Souvenir

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The Right Turn Clyde Firing Range
Renee Zellweger

When we were kids, there was a game we played which consisted of throwing a ball up in the air and whoever caught it had to run around until everyone else kicked the crap out of him. Even if you were a really fast runner, you would soon learn that you could not run forever, so you might as well stop delaying the inevitable and come get your ass beat.

The following is the Right Turn Clyde equivalent of that game and oh, look... Renee Zellweger just caught the ball.

Experiment with the Brain

Renee Zellweger
The absolute worst photo of Renee Zellweger we could find


The Brain

Do you in anyway connect with Renee Zellweger?

How could any thinking woman relate to Renee Zellweger? Let's do a tour of her roles: chick who takes job for guy, chick in hot pants, chick who puts up with Tarzan creator, oppressed Hasidic chick. Am I missing anything? Oh, yeah, she was that hard-bitten journalist in that one dead mom show! You know, the one where she figures out what really matters through taking care of her drunken dad and doing arts and crafts. PLEASE.

Sure, it helps that she's a little bit Meg Ryanish. She's cutesy, and a little scatty, but you know what? That doesn't matter anymore. We don't want/don't need/don't buy that When Sleepless Harry Got Mail And Forgot Paris bullshit. Maybe our moms or older sisters or people with whom we went to high school, but not the people I think of as US.

I'm willing to admit that I'm a shitty representative of my gender, but I AM a girl, and I know that women are, by and large, getting more and more pissed off and confused all the time. We have neither the time nor the patience to even consider being as passive as ANY of the characters Zellwegers played. Sure, we're under a lot of pressure to listen to, follow, be big wimps for MEN-and movies where women do all this submissive crap AND JUST EAT IT UP don't help our cases all that much. I'm no cinema brain. I go to movies for escapism. Where's the escapism in watching a woman who only seems to have value when she "completes" a SPORTS AGENT?

Sorry, I have to hear that sort of stupid Cosmo shit in real life. I don't need to ride 2 buses, pay $8.75, and fight tourists who don't know the "left side of the escalator is for passing rule" to see it.

See, that's why Julia Roberts works for us-she's a bitch, and she still gets her way. Sure, we all have political issues with Pretty Woman, but, hey, she wasn't going to settle for living with her John, she got her fairy tale. Remember that total screaming bitch out she gave Hugh Grant in Notting Hill? She could get totally shitty, lose her temper and all that, and Hugh still falls all over her. Now THAT'S a rock and roll fantasy.

As women grow more and more frustrated when they realize things aren't progressing the way we'd been told they would, the less and less use we have for the spineless bitches Zellwegers has made a "career" of playing. We want to see women who stand up for themselves and somehow manage (and this is the magic of the movies, folks) not to end up hated and dumped and consulting the Magic 8-Ball every 15 minutes. We want Trinity, but we want her to get better kisses than that weak- ass one from Ted. We want someone we haven't seen yet. But I know she's out there.

Sure, there's still a little time left for the wimpy-woman-who-says- the-sort-of-things-men-love-to-hear (Ally McBeal, I'm looking at your scrawny ass), and no one's going to be losing any money on anti-feminist romantic comedies any time in the near future, but the clock is ticking, folks. We're getting cranky, and Renee Zellweger is not the solution.

Serial Killer

Do you in anyway connect with Renee Zellweger?

uhhhhhhh, NO! I see what the studios are going for though. She's a twenty-something woman, I'm a twenty-something woman. Somehow I'm supposed to either relate to her or at least want to be like her. I'm not biting. I don't even like that kind of bait. It's a silly question to ask someone like me who's not going to fit into any Hollywood notion of modern women.

If you find a woman whose best memory from high school is winning the regional cheerleading championships, whose college sorority was "like, a totally awesome experience," and who will 'oh my gawd, like, DIE, if I'm not married before thirty', then you got your fish to bite down hard on the shiny Renee Zellweger lure. The rest of us will swim around unfooled and unamused, with our appetites gone and our cynical eyes jaded from years of looking at women with whom we have nothing in common. Throw us some more Janeane Garafalo, Christina Ricci, and Lili Taylor and maybe we'll start eating again. Oops, I forgot. According to Hollywood, men couldn't possibly find a woman with a less than perfect face and attractive body even if she's intelligent, independent, and plays characters who don't need a man to "complete them". For you guys out there that aren't buying what Hollywood says is the perfect woman for you, cheers for thinking with the head that's on top of your neck. Let your voices be heard. You can get my phone number from Monkey Boy, who's staring at his new Asia Argento poster as you read this.

The Lip Takes A Swing

The most important thing about Renee Zellweger is that she looks too much like Jewel for anybody's good, least of all hers. Is she Everywoman? Is she the chick flick chick? Is she the next woman's woman? Well, if Mighty Hollywood says she is, than she is, isn't she? Do I connect with her? Not really. I myself prefer female characters with too much personality and a few habits which would drive you nuts after a while–i.e. realistic characters. Every role she's played that I've seen is not too feisty, not too striking, not too beautiful, not too ugly, doesn't seem Too Smart For Her Own Good but comes off like she can operate an ATM machine without too much trouble.

Her roles that I've seen are the epitome of non-threatening mediocrity. If that's what Hollywood sees as Everywoman, if that's what Hollywood wants me to connect with, then screw Hollywood. I'll watch old Katherine Hepburn movies. Renee's okay, she just is, which as a character trait 95% of the time just tires me. Mostly, I feel extreme pity that she got stuck looking so much like Jewel.

It's weird, you know it is.


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