Movies That Won't Make You Horny
By I. C. Dedpeeple
Y2K Bug be damned! Hollywood is proving to us that despite our
fears of the collapse of technology at the dawn of the new millennium,
we are not that far removed from our Dark Ages fore-fathers who
agonized over the coming of the Evil One during the last fin-de-millennium.
A sign of a truly devout Catholic is that they can bleed from the
hands, feet, and side from mysterious wounds that match those of
Jesus during his suffering on the cross. MGM seems to be suffering
from some similarly slow and horrible death. Patricia Arquette stars
as the stigmatic. Hey, that kind of sounds like an infomercial.
It slices, it dices, it bleeds from every orifice! Is she subconsciously
religious or in the possession of something truly evil? Yawn. Not
even the addition of Gabriel Byrne and Jonathan Pryce are going
to save this bleeder. MGM, let me introduce you to my good friend,
Winona Ryder, who has finally decided to do another film, seems
to be the only one who believes that Truth About Cats and Dogs'
Ben Chaplin is destined to turn into Satan Incarnate. (I could've
told you that. How about you all just show up at my house and hand
over your 8 bucks now and save yourselves the agony?) This iteration
of "the devil walks among us" tale is directed by Spielberg's cinematographer,
Janusz Kaminski, and we all know how good those Cinematographer-turned-Directors
are. Yes, Mr. Speed 2:Cruise Control, we are talking about
End of Days (11/24/99)
Capricorn One's Peter Hyams brings us our third hellish tale
in which Satan (Gabriel Byrne, AGAIN) prowls New York in search
of a bride. Arnold Schwarzenegger is the ex-cop who has to try and
stop Satan. Of course he is. Hey, Kevin Pollak is in this one? Maybe
he is reprising his role from The Seventh Sign. Somebody
get the screenwriter on the phone for me. Names like Jericho Cane,
Christine Bethlehem, and Evie Abel are no substitute for character
development. By the way, here's a character name for you: Emma Nottagunnaseeit.
Whether the year 2000 marks the end of the world as we know it,
the simultaneous crash of every Windows 95 computer on the face
of the planet, or the birth of the anti-Christ in anticipation of
the final battle, RTC isn't worried. We figure that Hell On Earth
couldn't be THAT much different from Los Angeles, this zine is made
entirely on Macintosh, and as you all know, we have already made
our pro-simian agenda VERY clear. Apes rule!