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How I Know Chill Factor Is Going To Suck

By Mr. Pants

First of all, any trailer that comes out of the gate telling us a something about each character and does it with such rousing conviction that they must think we are going to respond, "A hijacker and a cold storage truck driver?!? Now's THAT'S cRaZY!"

Second, you have the Simultaneous Buddy Film Yell. You know, that fifteen second long hollering yell at the top of your lungs and the vehicle you're in is hurtling, 1) over a cliff, 2) down the highway at approximately 168 miles per hour 3) through a series of explosions that always seem to juuuuust barely miss the vehicle, 4) under a hail of roughly 2 billion bullets, of which only 2 or 3 actually hit the vehicle.

Third, may Shane Black and Dick "Danger Island" Donner rot in Hell for what they have wrought, for in the Chill Factor trailer, we have this morsel of a line, "...remind me when we get out of this to kick your *big explosion*". Oooh, someone hold my sides. You see, actually, Cuba was telling his cohort Skeet, "...remind me when we get out of this to kick your ass!" But you see, apparently you can't say the word "ass" on television. But we are smart. We know that he is going to say a naughty word. We can figure that out, and we get a little moment of gratitude when we get the joke that he can't say "ass", but we know what the explosion is implying.

Finally, the entire trailer / commercial ends with the rhetorical (therefore funny) question, "ARE YOU CRAZY?!?" Of course he's crazy! They just jumped off a bridge or a cliff (cue Simultaneous Buddy Film Yell) in a river. In most bad buddy action film trailers, they stuff in usually one of those...maybe two, but that's pushing it. Chill Factor manages to cram in all four.

The only way I know that Chill Factor could suck even more is if the trailer started like this instead:

NARRATOR: Miles beneath the planet's surface.... terrorists have stolen the World's Deadliest Biological Weapon... and are holding the world for ransom.... or else they will unleash a deadly outbreak...in any city...anywhere.... in the world. This is Cuba. He's a cold storage truck driver. He just picked up the wrong truck. This is Skeet. He's just hijacked the wrong truck. But if they don't wind up killing each other....the terrorists will.

CUBA & SKEET: Aaaaaahhhhhhhhhh!

Cue Song Two by Blur or "Thumpinandawhumpin" by Chubbychubba or "I Feel Good" by James Brown if you want to use the comic edge to promote the movie

Fast truck drives by.


Truck races by.

Terrorists shoot at fast-moving truck from a helicopter.

CUBA: If we get out of this, remind me to kick your...


NARRATOR: Oscar Winner, Cuba Gooding, Jr. Skeet Ulrich. Chill Factor...A film by...

CUBA: Are you cRAzY!

NARRATOR: Starts Friday!


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