An Open Letter To Charlize Theron

Dearest Charlize,

How dare they release a movie in which you play Johnny Depp's love interest in the same year that they will release a movie in which Christina Ricci plays Johnny Depp's love interest? Don't they know if we're going to see 2 Depp films a year, we'll see the Burton and Polanski Depp films, not the Rand Ravich Depp film. And if they're going to make us choose between your paranoid astro-frau and Sleepy Hollow's goth whore, then accept our apology now and maybe we'll see you on video. (Right after we rent that Devil movie we slept through on HBO) Do us all a favor and stick to movies where you wear a white spandex bodysuit and catfight with other B-level actresses, like you did in Two Days In The Valley. You're really good at it and we should know, We've watched that scene over and over again.

Your Pal,

RTC

p.s. Stop dating one-hit wonders. When your boyfriend's biggest rivalry is with Matchbox 20, you are dangerously close to no longer mattering. Oh, and if you ever see Gretchen Mol at a party, tell her we said she's next.