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Feel The Burn
This may not come as hard to believe, but, as kids, we loved nothing
more than insulting people. Life rarely gets better than hooking
up with your best pals and exchanging salty rags on each other's
stinky mamas or big butt beatdowns. These zippy stingers have been
published in book-form as Snaps or Snapz, if you're really down.
(Quick Digression-What is it about spelling things wrong that give
rap artists "street cred"? Wondering...) Before the Snaps, there
was The Burn. And if somebody made a joke about how poor your family
was, and you looked around and everyone else was licking their fingers
and making that sizzling sound, then, you had just been burned.
One of the best movie burns in the world is in the Shelley Duvall-vehicle,
Roxanne (1987). When a local redneck gets mouthy about Steve
Martin/Cyrano DeBergerac's nose, the feisty fire chief shows you
how it feels to get burned.
- Obvious: "Excuse me, is that your nose, or did a bus park on
- Meteorological: "Everybody take cover, she's going to blow!"
- Fashionable: "You know, you could de-emphasize your nose if
you wore something larger, like Wyoming."
- Personal: "Well, here we are, just the three of us."
- Punctual: "All right, Dellman, your nose was on time, but you
were fifteen minutes late."
- Envious: "Ooh, I wish I were you, to be able to smell your own
- Naughty: "Pardon me sir, some of the ladies have asked if you
wouldn't mind putting that thing away."
- Philosophical: "You know, it's not the size of a nose that's
important, it's what's in it what matters."
- Humorous: "Laugh and the world laughs with you. Sneeze and it's
- Commercial: "Hi, I'm Earl Scheib, and I can paint that nose
- Polite: "Would you mind not bobbing your head? The orchestra
keeps changing tempo."
- Melodic: (sings) "He's got the whole world... in his nose."
- Sympathetic: "What happened? Did your parents lose a bet with
- Complimentary: "You must love the little birdies to give them
this to perch on."
- Scientific: "Say, does that thing there influence the tides?"
- Obscure: "Whew, I'd hate to see the grindstone."
- Enquiry: "When you stop and smell the flowers, are they afraid?"
- French: "Sir, zee pigs have refused to find any more truffles
until you leave."
- Pornographic: "Finally, a man can satisfy two women at once."
- Religious: "The Lord giveth, and he just kept on giving, didn't
- Disgusting: "Saaay, who mows your nose hair?"
- Paranoid: "Keep that guy away from my cocaine."
- Romantic: "It must be wonderful to wake up in the morning and
smell the coffee... in Brazil."
- Appreciative: "How original, most people have their teeth capped."
- Dirty: "Your name wouldn't be... Dick would it?"