Right Turn Clyde
Volume 1 Issue 3 - So Much To Answer For, So Sick Of Talking About It

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About RTC
Spanking The Monkey

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Feel The Burn

This may not come as hard to believe, but, as kids, we loved nothing more than insulting people. Life rarely gets better than hooking up with your best pals and exchanging salty rags on each other's stinky mamas or big butt beatdowns. These zippy stingers have been published in book-form as Snaps or Snapz, if you're really down. (Quick Digression-What is it about spelling things wrong that give rap artists "street cred"? Wondering...) Before the Snaps, there was The Burn. And if somebody made a joke about how poor your family was, and you looked around and everyone else was licking their fingers and making that sizzling sound, then, you had just been burned. One of the best movie burns in the world is in the Shelley Duvall-vehicle, Roxanne (1987). When a local redneck gets mouthy about Steve Martin/Cyrano DeBergerac's nose, the feisty fire chief shows you how it feels to get burned.

  1. Obvious: "Excuse me, is that your nose, or did a bus park on your face?"
  2. Meteorological: "Everybody take cover, she's going to blow!"
  3. Fashionable: "You know, you could de-emphasize your nose if you wore something larger, like Wyoming."
  4. Personal: "Well, here we are, just the three of us."
  5. Punctual: "All right, Dellman, your nose was on time, but you were fifteen minutes late."
  6. Envious: "Ooh, I wish I were you, to be able to smell your own ear."
  7. Naughty: "Pardon me sir, some of the ladies have asked if you wouldn't mind putting that thing away."
  8. Philosophical: "You know, it's not the size of a nose that's important, it's what's in it what matters."
  9. Humorous: "Laugh and the world laughs with you. Sneeze and it's goodbye, Seattle."
  10. Commercial: "Hi, I'm Earl Scheib, and I can paint that nose for $39.95."
  11. Polite: "Would you mind not bobbing your head? The orchestra keeps changing tempo."
  12. Melodic: (sings) "He's got the whole world... in his nose."
  13. Sympathetic: "What happened? Did your parents lose a bet with God?"
  14. Complimentary: "You must love the little birdies to give them this to perch on."
  15. Scientific: "Say, does that thing there influence the tides?"
  16. Obscure: "Whew, I'd hate to see the grindstone."
  17. Enquiry: "When you stop and smell the flowers, are they afraid?"
  18. French: "Sir, zee pigs have refused to find any more truffles until you leave."
  19. Pornographic: "Finally, a man can satisfy two women at once."
  20. Religious: "The Lord giveth, and he just kept on giving, didn't he?"
  21. Disgusting: "Saaay, who mows your nose hair?"
  22. Paranoid: "Keep that guy away from my cocaine."
  23. Romantic: "It must be wonderful to wake up in the morning and smell the coffee... in Brazil."
  24. Appreciative: "How original, most people have their teeth capped."
  25. Dirty: "Your name wouldn't be... Dick would it?"


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