Few Minutes In My Pants
By Mr. Pants
I admit it. I think Beastmaster is a great movie.
I mean, c'mon! You've got Rip Torn as the evil priest. A tiger
that's been painted black and called a "black panther". John Amos
as the benevolent, yet ass-kicking Seth. Ferrets saving the day
by biting Rip Torn in the crotch. Tanya Roberts mostly unclothed
throughout the movie. And a midget...'nuff said. If this movie had
chimps and robots, this would be the greatest movie ever, Citizen
Kane be damned.
All this brings me to my point: I am not a purveyor of classic
cinema. I don't think I've ever watched a John Huston movie, for
cripes sake. And I think that most French cinema back in the 60's
is, well, I believe in French, the word is pronounced "crap". Sometimes,
I much rather peruse Video Hound Golden Movie Retriever than actually
watch a movie. I'm like Barnard Hughes's role as the stodgy old
curmudgeonly coot of a grandpa from The Lost Boys who delivers
the line "Who needs TV when you got TV Guide" or something to that
effect. I got the Hound, who needs a movie?
So you get the idea that I spend an inordinate amount of time reading
the Hound. And because of all this what may be perceived by some
as inane reading, I have come up with Pants' Pick of the Time Being.
I have done all the work while I share the benefits with you, the
gentle reader. The pick is based solely on a summary of the film.
Please do not be confused and think that I have actually WATCHED
one of these movies. Lord no. I have better common sense than that,
I mean I do have some taste, I mean I know that Weekend at Bernie's
2 fails to live up to any portion of its predecessor. (Ahhhh,
Jonathan Silverman has never been better.) With that said, here
is Pants Video Pick for the Time Being #1: Party! Party!
Pants sez: GET IN YOUR CAR AND SPEED TO THE VIDEO STORE, JUMP THE
CURB IF YOU HAVE TO, AND RENT THIS MOVIE!