Eat Your Heart Out, Jonathan Swift
This is one of the funniest damn things I've read in a while. Funny because it's so true.
"MY MODEST PROPOSAL: THE U.S.A.R."
By C. B. ShapiroI feel bad for the Red States.
Yes, they won the White House, Congress, the Supreme Court and most of the state houses. But they still can't have the country they really want because the last few Blue States won't roll over. So I am making a simple proposal:
Secession. Divorce. Splitsville.
Personally, I think we made a huge mistake not letting them go when we had the chance back in 1862. Well, no time like the present to correct an old mistake.
Then, they would finally be free to have the kind of society they've always wanted; church and state can be fused so they build the kind of theocracy they've dreamt of, with Jesus at the helm. Then the new USAR (United States of America Red) can ban books, repeal civil rights, persecute gays and have all the wars they like. They want prayer in schools? More power to them. They can ban abortion and post the Ten Commandments in every federal building in their country. Bring back slavery, if they want. We'll be free to live with our like-minded countrymen who believe in science, modernism, tolerance, religion as a personal choice, and truly want limited government intrusion in our personal lives. Why should each side be driven mad by the other any more, decade after decade?
Call the Culture War a tie and everyone go home.
Of course, we in the U.S.A.B. get the Gross Domestic Product, businesses and universities of California, New York, Massachussetts -- basically the whole Northeast and Northwest (plus Illinois and Michigan if they want to come along). They get Wal-Mart and Duke and most of the Nascar tracks. But they can feel free to import movies, TV shows, financial services, and defense technology. We'll import country music, bibles and Confederate flags.
The two countries will by necessity have open immigration policy: anyone who feels they are living in the wrong country can just move across the border, no questions asked.
Ultimately, why should I have to convince my fellow countrymen that Darwin may have had a point and that the word “liberal” is not equivalent to “godless communist?” And why should they be forced to live in a country with morally corrupt non-believers? I'll stay in the messy, free-thinking U.S.A.B. And to the U.S.A.R. I say…
God bless you all, and see you at the U.N
Comments
It seems like such a good idea until I realize that we'll be the next country they attack for having weapons of mass destruction.
Plus, since liberals are terrorists in their eyes, we've got two strikes against us.
The only protection would be to unite with Canada and become provinces. We could have the West Coast be part of British Columbia and the East Coast be part of Nova Scotia. New York could maybe become part of Ontario if they wanted.
Heck, we could continue on and invite Mexico to be part of the New Canada as well. At that point, we'd have an awesome country with a diverse and fantastic citizenry who all share common ideas of freedom. And we might be big enough that they would be afraid to attack us. Plus, we'd surround them good and proper.
Ah, one can dream. Instead, we are all going to be forced at gunpoint to become born again, renounce Hollywood and liberalism, or else.
As Bush said today, he would reach out to everyone who shares his values. What the hell? I guess he's not dumb. He found a way to say "My way or the highway" while sounding like he was being magnanimous.
We are so screwed. People are talking about fighting back, but I think it might be a little too late for that, as if we ever had a chance at all. I think we have reached the end of the "Great Experiment".
Love,
Hanna
Posted by: Hanna![[TypeKey Profile Page]](http://www.idmonsters.com/nav-commenters.gif)
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November 4, 2004 6:01 PM
Wow. what an intolerant rant. Ironic, isn't it, that the whole piece is based on stereotyping and condemning "the other"?
Both conservatives and liberals voiced their political opinions at the ballot box on Tuesday. The vast majority of America, in population, land mass, and natural resources, chose to support conservative views in both candidates and ballot measures. That's the fact, and while I understand the tendency to lash out when you're wounded, that doesn't mean y'all need to be mean-spirited as well.
Remember, Abraham Lincoln was the first Republican president.
Posted by: Ken | November 4, 2004 7:59 PM
I really don't think it's a rant. It's humor and satire. If you haven't read Swift's original "A Modest Proposal", I would strongly recommed a reading. The very point is to express an extremely outrageous position. It's absurdity is meant to provoke a reaction and get the reader to think about the issues that are presented in such an extreme manner.
I would also disagree with your use of the word "vast". I certainly wouldn't quantify 51% as "vast". It's simply a majority. And a slim one at that.
Lincoln was our first Republic president, and a great man. Bush is no Lincoln.
Posted by: Jon![[TypeKey Profile Page]](http://www.idmonsters.com/nav-commenters.gif)
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November 4, 2004 9:23 PM
I haven't read Swift yet, but it's right here next to me and I shall make an effort to do so. I certainly appreciate satire (after all, The Onion and The Daily Show are two of my favorite "news" outlets!).
It's important to realize that while 51% represents the GOP majority in the presidential vote, the GOP also gained 10% in the Senate, and an additional small gain (about 2%) in the House. The Senate numbers are critical, especially when added to the defeat of a powerful Democratic minority leader. Now it only takes 6 defectors from the left side of the aisle to block a filibuster.
When we also consider the resounding conservative victory nationwide on ballot measures, America clearly shifted right. So while 51% may not be a "vast majority", the entire election was.
Posted by: Ken | November 5, 2004 9:48 AM